Going Down The Rabbit Hole
In 2008 my mom died. It was December 30th and my husband, daughter, my nephew, and I were coming back from snow skiing in New Mexico. If I could pinpoint a time that I began my spiral down the rabbit hole, it was that day.
I didn't cry, I took 4 Xanax and slept all the way home. I cried at the funeral. I was sad. But I didn't let go of my emotion easily. To this day I have only been to her grave once. I couldn't go to the grave and I couldn't feel what my heart was screaming to say. How could I tell myself that the fear that I had when I was little, was still with me. I was not going to tell myself that I was, at 39, a terrified orphan. If I grieved her, I would have to except the fact that she left me alone. She was gone. So was I.
I let Depression and drugs carry me down the rabbit hole. By 2010, I was gone completely. There was not a glimmer of the person I used to be. I was done.
But God wasn't. He came down that hole after me. I didn't know Him anymore, but I heard his voice and I knew my life had changed forever. He carried out of the hole. It wasn't easy, or pretty, or fast, but together we climbed out.
I wasn't an orphan anymore.
