Going Down The Rabbit Hole

Going Down The Rabbit Hole

In  2008 my mom died.  It was December 30th  and my husband, daughter, my nephew, and I were coming back from snow skiing in New Mexico.  If I could pinpoint a time that I began my spiral down the rabbit hole, it was that day.  

I didn't cry, I took 4 Xanax and slept all the way home.  I  cried at the funeral.  I was sad.  But I didn't let go of my emotion easily.  To this day I have only been to her grave once.  I couldn't go to the grave and I couldn't feel what my heart was screaming to say.  How could I tell myself that the fear that I had when I was little, was still with me.  I was not going to tell myself that I was, at 39, a terrified orphan.  If I grieved her, I would have to except the fact that she left me alone.  She was gone.  So was I.

I let Depression and drugs carry me down the rabbit hole.  By 2010, I was gone completely.  There was not a glimmer of the person I used to be.  I was done.  

But God wasn't.  He came down that hole after me.  I didn't know Him anymore, but I heard his voice and I knew my life had changed forever.  He carried out of the hole.  It wasn't easy, or pretty, or fast, but together we climbed out. 

 I wasn't an orphan anymore.  

Life After Depression

Life After Depression

When I was in that deep dark hole of depression, all I prayed for was to get better.   I wanted to live a normal life again. After two years,  my prayer is working.  I am getting back to life.  The problem is, life has changed.  I've have changed.  I feel lost.  This life I so desperately craved for so long, is scary.  

While I was in my dark hole, life went on without me.  People left my life.  I left my career.  Even things that stayed the same, now feel foreign.  I have forgotten how to live life. 

I never want to go back into the dark hole again.  But I knew how to survive in that hole.  It is what I have known for two years.  Even though life was hell in the hole, I knew how to live it. 

I think that there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go of that hole.  In some crazy way, it has become a safety net that I am holding on to just in case this new life gets to hard.  

Sometimes I can hear it calling me.  The crazy, terrifying thing is, sometimes I want to listen.  

The Depression Roller Coaster

The Depression Roller Coaster

I have never liked riding roller coasters but with depression, I ride one often.  A good few days then a bad one.  I sometimes think I would rather not have the good days because it just makes the bad one that much harder.  When I was in my depression hole, I knew the next day would be bad just like the previous.  There wasn't any surprises.  Now that I am starting to have good days, When the bad day shows up, I feel a lot more let down.  I don't like waking up wondering what my day is going to be like.  I need to start following the steps again.  They will stop the ride.  I am ready to get off the roller coaster. 

Forgetting the bags

Forgetting the bags

I have really been struggling with my depression and anxiety for a long while. I finally decided that medication alone wasn't enough so I decided to see a therapist. I was hoping she would give me some coping tools because life should not be this hard.

I went into the appointment feeling broke and in need of tools. What I came out with was a feeling of being kinda normal. That was a strange feeling!  

I have been looking at my depression and anxiety as a problem that was messing up my life. What I discovered was that my messy life was causing my depression and anxiety.   Wow!

The therapist started asking about my life.  I start rattling off the events of the last four years. The death of my mother, addiction from self medicating, marital problems, surgeries including a Hysterectomy, changing hormones, and the loss of children, they moved out of the home.  She looked at me and said "Of course you are having a hard time dealing with depression,  look at what you have been through"  It was not until that point when I looked back at all I had been through, that I ever thought I might have a legitimate reason for being depressed and anxious.  I had been carrying all those bags but never realized how heavy they were.  

I think, when we get used to dealing with clinical depression, we sometimes forget to look for other reasons that may be adding to our depression and compromising recovery. 

We need to check for bags. 

Nothing Last Forever

Nothing Last Forever

This is what I hold on to when my world turns dark.  Living with Depression, I get caught up in the dark.  I forget that the sun will shine again.

I feel as if darkness and light are in a battle inside my head and I am just standing on the sidelines waiting to see who wins.

I need to join the fight. Help the light destroy the dark.  I am frozen though.  It is a very long hard battle and I get so tired.  There are times  that I stop caring who will win.  There are even a few times that I secretly hope the dark wins.  Thankfully God steps in, wakes me up, and helps me to start cheering for the light again.

The day will come when I am strong enough to join the battle.  I have faith in that.

Nothing last forever.  The dark night will end.

God is with me during the dark, so I know that when the light does shine, it will shine brighter then I could have ever imagine.

Just Breathe

Just Breathe

It has been a while since I have written. It has been a ride. I am on antidepressants and they are working pretty good. Now the real work begins. After a few missteps, I finally figured out that I needed to slow down and breathe. I am now taking baby steps.

I have also decided to go to therapy. l need the tools to help me learn to live again.

I don't know how long it will take to get to my life, but Im ready for the journey

The Year I Disappeared

My normal life

The Year I Disappeared

I used to be normal.  I had a normal life, with three perfect kids, a husband, and a great job.  I could go anywhere I wanted and I did.  Vacations, the mall, the lake, where ever I wanted to go.  I could also go to the Grocery Store.

The "Grocery Store" A big one.

I went to the grocery store today for the first time in two years...

I disappeared two years ago.  This is my journey of fighting my way back to my normal life and the real me. A life before clinical depression.

If you know what clinical depression is, you will understand my journey.  If you don't know what clinical depression is then drop to your knees and thank God.

I am not entirely sure why or when it happened just that around that time a lot of big things impacted my life.  My mother died, my daughter went to live with her dad and stopped speaking to me, and I change to a new job that literally turned out to be a nightmare.  I  remember the last day I went to that job, I got in my car, crying and called my husband to come get me because I couldn't drive the 40 minutes home. 

I guess it was probably an accumulation of traumatic events that caused me to slip away until one day i was just gone.

What were my two teenage boys that still lived at home doing?  I don't know, I was gone.  Why did my marriage disintegrate?  I don't know, I was gone.  What were all my friends doing?  I don't know, I was gone.  I didn't exist anymore.

This journal is about my journey to find "me" again. Because I don't remember a lot from the earlier times, those entries will be more broad time frames.  As we get closer to the present they should get more precise.

So stay with me and ride the ride of clinical depression, and together we will find out how it ends.  I will make it back.  I know I can find my way.