Pick a Diagnosis

Pick A Diagnosis

Diagnosing a Mental Illness

I was put on an antidepressant right after my first child. I don't remember getting a diagnosis. Ten years later, l was diagnosed with depression by my GP. Seven years after that, 2011 l think, I had a major spiral of depression and addiction. I was given a new diagnosis: Bipolar. This diagnosis never felt right, but that is what the doctor said. It wasn't until I got my addiction under control that I figured out I wasn't Bipolar.  So I was back to Clinical Depression. This was not a perfect fit, but that is all I had.  Three years after the spiral, I am still struggling. I am getting better, but I'm not cured yet.  I have done a lot of reading, and I came across an article about Major Depressive Disorder. I am going to do more research, but this seems to fit. 

Now for the intended post:

My point from the above rant, was that diagnosing a mental illness is challenging.  There is not perfect box of symptoms that fit everyone. My depression is unique from your depression.  There are many different types of Mental Illness and everyone has different symptoms.  In my experience, If you have any kind of depression, you are put on antidepressants. while I do agree, antidepressants are usually necessary, they aren't a complete cure.

The area I live in does not have access to good mental health tools. Maybe in other areas, there are better resources. For me, I have been left to research and teach myself about my depression. It has been good for me. I have learned a lot about myself and about my depression. It is not about a diagnosis. It is about the whole person.

It is a disease of the mind. Medication helps, but I started getting better when I began researching "me" more than just  a diagnosis.  

Understanding Suicide - For Those They Left Behind

Understanding Suicide - For Those They Left Behind

I have be trying write this blog for about 6 months. That's about how long it has been since my sweet friend had to bury her 17 year old son. He committed suicide right before Christmas, during his senior year in high school.

With the shocking news about Robin Williams suicide making news today, I decided I was ready.

Loosing a loved one is always hard, but when they are lost to suicide, it has to be so much harder.  The families are left with so many unknowns.

Hopefully I can help families dealing with suicide gain a little understanding.  I have some of the answers to the questions that are raised by suicide.

The first thing you need to know is that over 90% of people that commit suicide have a mental illness of Clinical Depression. Most have gone undiagnosed, and therefore, untreated. It is hard to get a diagnosis until It has become unmanageable.

I have struggled with Clinical Depression for years.  I know the hell and I know how suicide can feel like freedom, especially to someone who has not been diagnosed with this disease.

With depression,  you can't feel joy like other people. All you feel is sadness.  It doesn't matter how good your life is, you are unable to feel happiness.  The hardest part is that you know other people would not understand how you feel so you have to fake happiness. You pretend to enjoy life, but inside you just want it to stop.  Sleeping is the only reprieve you get from the misery.

I can understand how much harder it is for someone who hasn't been diagnosed.  They don't know why they feel the way they do. They have to believe that this is as good as life is ever going to be. That is a terrifying thought.

I take medication every day and always will.  I know life will get better. I still struggle, and suicide is always a thought in the back of my head. I want it there as a safety net just in case. That is how terrifying being depressed makes you.

It is disease. There is no cure. It can be managed but I doesn't go away.  When you loose someone you love to suicide, you wonder why.  Was there something you could have done?  The answer is no.   When life has finally become so unbearable that they have decided to use that safety net, they are done. Depression won.

Depression is a disease. It's unpredictable. Even with treatment, there are no guarantees.  Today I feel pretty good, but I will never know what will happen in the future. Even though I think now that I am stronger then depression and I would not commit suicide,  I'm also realistic enough to not say I NEVER would do it. The truth is there are no sure things when it comes to this disease.   I live one day at a time. That is the only way to mange it.

Your loved one did not commit suicide to hurt you or because of you.  They had a disease and that disease, just like any chronic illness, finally beat them.

It's time to bring awareness to Depression. People should not be ashamed to say they have it.  We are not ashamed to say we have cancer, Lupus, or any other chronic disease, so why can't we admit to having Clinical Depression.  It needs to be talked about.  I have lost many friends because they don't understand why I push away or decline invitations. This loss of friends and family make managing this disease harder.

If you want to stop suicide, bring Clinical Depression out of the dark.  Demand more research and better treatment.  Finding a cure is the only way to stop the tragic suffering and death from suicide.

The Year I Disappeared

My normal life

The Year I Disappeared

I used to be normal.  I had a normal life, with three perfect kids, a husband, and a great job.  I could go anywhere I wanted and I did.  Vacations, the mall, the lake, where ever I wanted to go.  I could also go to the Grocery Store.

The "Grocery Store" A big one.

I went to the grocery store today for the first time in two years...

I disappeared two years ago.  This is my journey of fighting my way back to my normal life and the real me. A life before clinical depression.

If you know what clinical depression is, you will understand my journey.  If you don't know what clinical depression is then drop to your knees and thank God.

I am not entirely sure why or when it happened just that around that time a lot of big things impacted my life.  My mother died, my daughter went to live with her dad and stopped speaking to me, and I change to a new job that literally turned out to be a nightmare.  I  remember the last day I went to that job, I got in my car, crying and called my husband to come get me because I couldn't drive the 40 minutes home. 

I guess it was probably an accumulation of traumatic events that caused me to slip away until one day i was just gone.

What were my two teenage boys that still lived at home doing?  I don't know, I was gone.  Why did my marriage disintegrate?  I don't know, I was gone.  What were all my friends doing?  I don't know, I was gone.  I didn't exist anymore.

This journal is about my journey to find "me" again. Because I don't remember a lot from the earlier times, those entries will be more broad time frames.  As we get closer to the present they should get more precise.

So stay with me and ride the ride of clinical depression, and together we will find out how it ends.  I will make it back.  I know I can find my way.