Going Down The Rabbit Hole

Going Down The Rabbit Hole

In  2008 my mom died.  It was December 30th  and my husband, daughter, my nephew, and I were coming back from snow skiing in New Mexico.  If I could pinpoint a time that I began my spiral down the rabbit hole, it was that day.  

I didn't cry, I took 4 Xanax and slept all the way home.  I  cried at the funeral.  I was sad.  But I didn't let go of my emotion easily.  To this day I have only been to her grave once.  I couldn't go to the grave and I couldn't feel what my heart was screaming to say.  How could I tell myself that the fear that I had when I was little, was still with me.  I was not going to tell myself that I was, at 39, a terrified orphan.  If I grieved her, I would have to except the fact that she left me alone.  She was gone.  So was I.

I let Depression and drugs carry me down the rabbit hole.  By 2010, I was gone completely.  There was not a glimmer of the person I used to be.  I was done.  

But God wasn't.  He came down that hole after me.  I didn't know Him anymore, but I heard his voice and I knew my life had changed forever.  He carried out of the hole.  It wasn't easy, or pretty, or fast, but together we climbed out. 

 I wasn't an orphan anymore.  

Life After Depression

Life After Depression

When I was in that deep dark hole of depression, all I prayed for was to get better.   I wanted to live a normal life again. After two years,  my prayer is working.  I am getting back to life.  The problem is, life has changed.  I've have changed.  I feel lost.  This life I so desperately craved for so long, is scary.  

While I was in my dark hole, life went on without me.  People left my life.  I left my career.  Even things that stayed the same, now feel foreign.  I have forgotten how to live life. 

I never want to go back into the dark hole again.  But I knew how to survive in that hole.  It is what I have known for two years.  Even though life was hell in the hole, I knew how to live it. 

I think that there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go of that hole.  In some crazy way, it has become a safety net that I am holding on to just in case this new life gets to hard.  

Sometimes I can hear it calling me.  The crazy, terrifying thing is, sometimes I want to listen.  

The Depression Roller Coaster

The Depression Roller Coaster

I have never liked riding roller coasters but with depression, I ride one often.  A good few days then a bad one.  I sometimes think I would rather not have the good days because it just makes the bad one that much harder.  When I was in my depression hole, I knew the next day would be bad just like the previous.  There wasn't any surprises.  Now that I am starting to have good days, When the bad day shows up, I feel a lot more let down.  I don't like waking up wondering what my day is going to be like.  I need to start following the steps again.  They will stop the ride.  I am ready to get off the roller coaster.