Going Down The Rabbit Hole

Going Down The Rabbit Hole

In  2008 my mom died.  It was December 30th  and my husband, daughter, my nephew, and I were coming back from snow skiing in New Mexico.  If I could pinpoint a time that I began my spiral down the rabbit hole, it was that day.  

I didn't cry, I took 4 Xanax and slept all the way home.  I  cried at the funeral.  I was sad.  But I didn't let go of my emotion easily.  To this day I have only been to her grave once.  I couldn't go to the grave and I couldn't feel what my heart was screaming to say.  How could I tell myself that the fear that I had when I was little, was still with me.  I was not going to tell myself that I was, at 39, a terrified orphan.  If I grieved her, I would have to except the fact that she left me alone.  She was gone.  So was I.

I let Depression and drugs carry me down the rabbit hole.  By 2010, I was gone completely.  There was not a glimmer of the person I used to be.  I was done.  

But God wasn't.  He came down that hole after me.  I didn't know Him anymore, but I heard his voice and I knew my life had changed forever.  He carried out of the hole.  It wasn't easy, or pretty, or fast, but together we climbed out. 

 I wasn't an orphan anymore.