Going back to 2008

Going back to 2008

The death of my mom in December 2008 was hard.  It wasn't until I started trying to piece together what was happening to my life that I realized just how hard it affected me.  At the time I thought I was just fine.  A day after her death I went to a New Years Eve party. 

We had the funeral. All my family came down.  It had been the first time I had been with my brothers since my dad's death 11 years earlier.  It was just like a family reunion except mom wasn't there. 

The funeral was the last time I cried about her death at the time. That year, in my eyes, was normal.  I don't remember anything else remarkable happening, but without me realizing, things were happening inside my head. I was fighting a lot with my teenage daughter.  My job was starting to go down hill.  in my eyes it was just small things.   It still would be another year before I realized I was disappearing down a very dark hole.  It would be another year before i would begin the fight to get back my life and the real me.  If someone would have told me in November of 2008 how my life was going to turn, I would have thought they were crazy.

The spring of 2009 I changed to the nightmare job.   It was awful and I hated every minute of it.  The last day I was there, my boss said one day he would come in and kill us all.  I left that day.

That was when the anxiety started.  I didn't want to go anywhere, especially alone.  I knew I needed to work but I just couldn't make myself do it.  I got on unemployment and just rode on it for over a year, sliding farther away from life everyday.  I was staying in bed most of the time.  My GP was trying different antidepressants and they were not working.  Nothing was working until Superbowl of 2010.  I thought I had found the answer to all my problems.  Boy how wrong I was.  I was beginning to turn my whole life upside down and completely disappear.